Stop Being Afraid, Keep Moving

I have just read about this post in Thoughtcatalog.com. on things we should stop doing in our 20s.
It's kinda late for that, but well, I can still relate to it.

Tonight, I will try to expand my writing while still focusing on the things I am constantly writing from the beginning of this month. Nothing too big, one step at a time, just to make my mind keep on moving.



Two Thousand Twelve, June, Twenty Fourth, Nusa Lembongan, After Midnight.
It's Sunday, the day only had just turned, cold air biting my skins. It was a wonderful day. Started really early in the Saturday morning; with shorts and jacket, I raced my motorbike to a place in Sanur. I felt that Denpasar is freezing that morning, or is it just me that never woke up that early?

So back to the night, and thinking about the day that has just passed, quite a journey we've been through. A boat trip from Sanur To Nusa Penida, a round trip around the island visiting two temples, new experience on the religious and cultural side of Balinese Hinduism. I joined the ritual, barely. Just mimicking the steps and movements of the people around and try to meditate and concentrate as much as I can.

Another boat trip to the adjacent island of Lembongan, or Nusa Lembongan. It's a smaller private chartered boat, compared to the speedboat we took from Sanur. The view was wonderful, the water between the islands are calm, mirror-like. This just soothes my eyes and head. besides the fact that I am having a vacation with her and her friends. the ride lasted for maybe fifteen minutes, and we arrived at the bridge that connect Nusa Lembongan and Nusa Ceningan. We walked from there, not knowing that the cottage we were about to spend the night in was on the other side of the island, quite a long walk. being all cheerful and adventurous, we just kept on walking until finally arrived to the place. freshen up a bit, and tried to catch the sunset.

After dinner, we all went to the beach. Talking, watching the stars, me and her stayed behind. It was awkward, all our body languages are giving positive signs, we just didn't make any subtle move. we talked and talked and looked at each others, and at the stars, counting meteorites (or shooting stars, if you want to called it that) while lying on the sands. Finally succumbing to the cold night wind, we went back to the cottages. After getting in to the room, we went out again and talk some more in the porch. I felt that nice warm feeling in your stomach and chest, and the feeling that you just want to keep talking and being with each other and stop the time altogether. And then we turn in.

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Twenty Fourth, After midnight. My place.
I'm just finishing drawing Acup earlier, halloween episode. I have been neglecting him for some time now. Today was a good day, I did some work, went to dinner with my family before they get back to the hometown in Jakarta, and getting high on monosodium glutamate, I got a fifteen minutes nap. after that, I bought coffee and make a cup for myself. I got reminded about doing things that I should not have to be reminded about, but yeah I need to get myself up and do less procrastinating for the near future. Referring again to the post on thoughtcatalog.com, starting from myself is always the best thing I can do, before even doing anything with other people, not to mention her. Not to get anymore further on the topic, I am getting all pumped up on the idea that I can show my  potentials to other people and get more self-motivated and self esteem.

Just some random thoughts,
I think I have gone a full circle on alphabetical terms.
Back to A means, when I met you, it's time for me to start anew :)

It Was an Evening I Shared With The Sun

"It was an evening I shared with the sun, to find out where we belong, from the earliest day, we were dancing in the shadows." Lakini's Juice from Live blaring on my headphone. Catching the scattered words and memories from the past, tonight I'm going to write just that.

Two Thousand Twelve, June, Fourth, early evening, Lingkara.
She sends me some cookies through her friend, noting that it was for me only. It happened after we chat about me being hungry and wanted to get something to eat, but too lazy to get stuffs. It was sweet. Still catching up where we left off yesterday and the months we were wondering why I did not talk more to her.
Things are looking up into something I don't know, but made me excited and really interested about her. The unknown is intriguing, and it made me become what I am before series of things happened to me and altered me into a weird person (if I'm not already am from the start) and got socially awkward. So, it shone some light up my alley, getting interested and intrigued does makes people think of ideas.

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Fourteenth, My place
It was a hot day, and a long one too. It started early, but it was fun. I get the my first chance to wear a Balinese outfit, Kain, Udeng, and all. Went to a friend's place for a ceremony. It was a hot day. went back to my place in the scorching heat. We ate a full set lunch, and got ice cream. Taken a picture of us with my Lubitel 166B, hope it works. we spend the afternoon relaxing and talking and do some stuffs. Lazy day.
It was fun. We talked about goals and achievements and study plans and feelings and almost every other stuffs.
Things are sweet now, but I figure, If it doesn't get anywhere better for me from now, nothing will. So starting inside, don't give up. Follow your heart, you'll be okay.

My mind is on an overdrive tonight, distracted by the hot night and text I'm getting from my mom.
I'll continue later. Patience my friends :)

Let's Get Rich and Get Everybody Nice Sweaters

"If we can't be forever, can we at least be together?" was a tweet I saw tonight by @daprast, retweeted by @JennyJusuf.

Tonight playlist will be dedicated to Jason Mraz - I melt with you. I might not be able to stop the world, but I can see changes and it's getting better. So, instead of being afraid, let's just try to embrace and disrupt what the world might bring. Keeping things at arm's reach. And continue my story.






Two Thousand Twelve, June, Third, Lingkara.
We were just hanging around and chatting, also attending the exhibition, being the host. One thing leads to another, out of the blue, I asked my friend for the girl's number (finally). She came by, just after I asked. picking up her friends and going again. That night, we started to chat. It feels like a dam of thoughts just broke, all this time of just keeping to ourselves has changed after a simple hi. That night, her car broke down, just around her house. I wish I could help, but it was a half hour drive. She got her dad to help out. This is the beginning of a series of smiles in my face and inside my head, not a smooth sailing, but filled with tiny storms and blue skies.

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Eleventh, My Place.
When the clock struck midnight yesterday, she texted me. Due to the previous things that had been happening, I got a little paranoid. But then, it turned out that she was gonna talk about some things out of the usual weekly/monthly breakdown. I saw a glimpse of light in her words. It's still no smooth sailing, but as a friend of mine said, the sea is something that you have to respect, and you will get to land. And I'm getting all philosophical here, but I'm not spilling things out here, so I don't jinx it. Without saying anything about it, can I just say that I just gain some extra energy to get on with life, and try my best to level things up, to the point where I can be proud of myself, and get everybody nice sweaters...

So, a start is always full of energy, it's how we keep it steady that is the real challenge. And I don't want to get stuck in second gear. First thing first, keep on writing and keep on moving. and Be Ok. So maybe you won't get bored reading...

Time, The Big Break

I took a break for almost a week now, I went on hiatus and got a little out of shape. No worries, because now I'm back again, focusing on the continuation of my story about the girl. I hope you're still reading.
Tonight soundtrack consist of various songs, but I will dedicate it to Moloko - The Time Is Now, you can watch the clip here. Time is the essence here, and it took some time to get to this moment.






Two Thousand Twelve, May, Thirtieth, early night, Lingkara Gallery PhotoArt.
It's minus two days before A Lomonesia Bali Exhibition in Denpasar. We were setting up photos and installations. I was just helping out, did not have any photos to display at the moment, or is it some other problems. Already I'm implying some matters rising. Back to the preparation, so fifteen Lomographers are exhibiting their work, each with their own concepts and displays. One of them got this concept called "tree of life" CMIIW. She got a fake tree made out of wires, wrap it up with green papers, and hang the photos as the leaves. She got her friend helping her out installing it, whom is the girl I have been meeting randomly for almost 8 months. And we are still meeting randomly, we known each other for that long and I don't even have her number. We just talk about how we're doing and smile to each others. I notice that my heart skip a beat and all I want to do was getting her attention. I did, then we part ways, it was getting late. Everyone is getting ready for the exhibition the day after tomorrow. This is the exhibition video lomonesia bali at lingkara

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Ninth, late night, My place.
Just had a conversation with her, talking about her dog. He got fleas and it's getting worse. I wish I could help, I like dogs, and I like hers. He's a Kintamani Dog with an attitude, and yet somehow we are friendly to each others after a few encounter.

And then we continued talking about my writing, how I don't seem to have focus on stuffs. The things that I write here are simply unorganized, messy, sometimes I write everyday, and then I stopped writing. Sometimes I write about my daily life, and then some random information, pictures, other time it's just some jumbled words. So, I figure it's about time that I make an outline out of it. Focus on things. Keep the readers happy, and keeping myself organized, projecting it to my life, as it is.
By doing so, it will gradually affect myself into a more stable person. Planning things ahead, focus on concepts and structures. And furthermore, getting things done, one at a time, mine and others that I care about.

In conclusion, I got an issue about participating in a group sometimes, and I have a problem on focusing, or even making a move. This will have to change. The time is now...
It will get more interesting from this point forward, I promise.

Friends, Giants & Hugs

"Because we are... your friends, You'll never be Alone Again, well come on... well come on..."
I can't seems to get bored of this song by Justice, for friends are what have kept me going all along.
And so, the story goes on.

Two Thousand Twelve, March, Twenty Second, afternoon, Puputan Square.
Picked up my brother, and we went to a friend's house near Kreneng Market in Denpasar. Today is the day before the Silent Day or Nyepi. Everywhere around Bali, people are gathering around for Ngrupuk parade of Ogoh-ogoh, Giant demon characters statues made out of styrofoam and paper mache. Symbolizing the evil being from the Sanskrit mythology (I think so). We dressed up with Balinese kamen, and were waiting for a couple of more friends to come before heading to the Square. She was coming too. This was the first time that I spent quite a long time with her. It's always nice to see her, I come to realize.
We started walking to Puputan Square, after 5 months, we finally got to know a little bit of each other. Still in some detached ways. The Square was packed with people, and the parade keeps going on and on. after a couple hours, the crowd subsided, so all of us went back. I had a nice time with her, but somehow, again I didn't do anything more about it. I guess there was something inside me that holds me back, or am I trying not to invade too much.

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Third, Midnight, Windy and chills after the rain.
After work, I went home and start scrubbing my bathroom, and the water suddenly became murky. No chance of taking a shower, so I let it run for awhile. I lit up an incense and start making coffee, my room is quite tidy, if I may say so myself. She came to my place, things are a little bit awkward..We talked about random stuffs, and ate some moon cake from last Sunday Full moon celebration. discussed her plan for out of town trip and how I couldn't sleep yesterday. And then, she took a nap.
She was getting ready to go home, and then we started to really talked. Talk became tears, tears became hugs, and hugs followed by frown, kisses and smiles. I wish things were better, but I won't complain. I told her that she is the best thing that has happened in my life, and how ever hard it is, I will try to find a way, without putting all the burden on her. I still don't really know what I'm talking about, yet I am getting better at holding myself up, and hopefully not giving her a hard time. Seeing the glow in her eyes, I just want her to stay happy, wherever that will take me.

The day ended up with a long hug and smile. More to come...

Her Morning Elegance, Art & Music Festival

Tonight, with the company of Oren Lavie song, Her Morning Elegance, I am trying to continue where I left off yesterday. Still telling the story from the recent past, connected to my random meeting with a girl, without touching each other life (or maybe it did, I just didn't notice it).

Two Thousand Twelve, February, Twenty Eighth, afternoon, Literature Faculty of Udayana University.
It has been a few weeks since I got my new motorcycle, I am no longer riding my bike everywhere around. There was a festival going on, being member of the Lomonesia Bali, we were invited to display our unique photography community. There was also some bands playing, food bazaar, and talkshow about health issues on autoimmune diseases (I think it's Lupus). I arrived late for the set up, but early for the event. After hanging around for awhile, people are starting to gather, the bands started playing.
Not to my surprise, but felt excited at the same time, we met again. She was coming with her friends, I said hi, she said "Hi Niki..." and giving me a nice smile. She didn't stay for long, got another thing to do with her friends. Only much later that I know, there could be something about us, but I didn't really follow it through for some reasons. It's either the unstable me, or the wall I saw around her. Close, friendly, yet not that open. Maybe this is just my excuse of being a screw up.
Anyway, the moment passed, and I stayed for the event, my brother came by later to watch some band playing, including L'alphalpha with my friend as the manager. we said goodbye after, going our separate ways, my brother and I.

Two thousand Twelve, October, Second, almost midnight, the mosquitoes are vicious out here.
Today we have not contacted each other, I managed to feel okay and just doing stuffs at work. Getting myself busy and my senses going. She is still on my mind, no doubt. For some reason last night I had a dream about her dad, we were starting out awkward, but went to a journey together and some crazy dream event, eventually he said, "You're not so bad after all." This is just my subconscious hoping things would be well. I know that much.
After hours, I met my brother, picked him up from college, and let him drive my motorcycle. He was kinda nervous, never really ride a bike before, but so far nothing happens, besides some honking and got side tracked couple of times. I dropped him home to my aunt's and went home. and that sums up my day.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, shall we?

Serendipity?

Cold night, sounds of passing motorcycles,
and I am trying to remember a scene almost a year ago.
My memory does not always serve me right, but here goes.
This is a story of the most interesting person I have met in my life.
Not sure it's a happy or sad story,
so let me just go on.

Two Thousand Eleven, October, Seventh, Friday. early night, in front of one Coffeshop chains in Kuta.
I was waiting for a friend, giving her the camera she ordered a couple of days ago.
And this is the first time I met her, a friend of my friend. coincidentally, the camera was Mini Diana "Love is in the air" Edition
We only exchanged names, and glances, I ask for her name twice, just to be sure.
And then, the moment pass. *She has an interesting facial character, note to self.*

Two Thousand Twelve, October, First, Monday. Late night, in front of a minimarket in Denpasar.
I just chatted with her, things are not so great. I sort of got carried away and invade too much of her privacy. Not our first debate, but maybe this time I almost forced my ego to do reckless things.
I drove my motorcycles around town, making unnecessary stops and just trying to seeps in the air of the city, finding my cool, before I get back to my place and call it a day.

Two Thousand Eleven, October, Fourteenth, Friday. Early night, Serambi Arts Antida, Sanur.
My mind was not in its place, we met again, exchange greetings, I took a picture of her and her friends. I smiled a lot that day, although I know things will go downhill from that moment for me, a different issue, not the time and place. I was happy to meet her again, I like her smile. Yet nothing happened, and we are keeping our sides. Just enjoying the band, it was raining, but the band keeps playing and we stayed anyway. Cold yet enjoyable.

Two Thousand Twelve, October, Second, Tuesday. The clock just strike midnight, mosquito bites.
The warmth in my chest have subsided, and I am at ease. I want to write more,
yet it seems that my mind has gone elsewhere. Flashes of scenes just past me by.
The calming music out of my headphones is keeping me intact. I will continue the story tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

screwed

It's October, and I'm unstable. I wanted to write something else before, and now my mind just won't work as much.
I am lost, doing things out of nothingness, seeking for something I don't really know the answer to, and to top that, I got no fresh ideas.
Sucks, but than again, life is.